New Year Reports
I hope the New Year finds you well and that the tax man can be successfully avoided by you all this coming April. As you may know, The Islington Preparatory School for Boys uses a discreet tax arrangement in Belize; talk to Felipe if you go over there and tell him I sent you.
As highlighted, no, shouted in the media, The Islington Preparatory Club do indeed find themselves top of their Association Football League, despite strong challenges by The West Fulham Academy and the Abu Dhabi Manchester School for Boys and as is customary for this time of the year, the annual school report now finds its way winging via school messenger pigeon into your laps. I must say, as an aside, how wonderful it has been to see The Outer Mancunian Boys Boarding School, Ltd., whom, despite changing their leadership last year, are dutifully bumbling along, despite all of us knowing that their old headmaster, Sir Alex Ferguson (Keeper of the Watch) duked the OFSTED reports that kept the old school out performing the rest of us. Hat’s off too for old boy Van Persie, R., who is keeping up a stiff upper lip in his school’s sick bay. Chin up old fruit, I hear Germany is lovely in the summer.
Any how, jolly-ho and on with the reports.
Szczesny, W., Our Polish prefect has had a wonderful season thus far, and has successfully kept the goalkeeper’s jersey safely tucked away for himself (in a tuck basket, no doubt) this year. Foreign exchange student Viviano, E., and fellow prefect Fabianski, L., really should push on more during P.E. lessons if they want to usurp our agile young glovesman. A.
Sagna, B., Whilst we hope Sagna, B., continues into Further Education with The Islington Preparatory School for Boys for the next few years, we will understand if he’d like to take the opportunity to sample educational establishments abroad. The lad has had a corking season thus far and his work with Mr Bould in P.E. theory classes has really paid off. Top work. A.
Mertesacker, P., We are proud to announce that Mertesacker, P., has been awarded Head Boy status after his imperious performances on the pitch for our football team. Whilst many parents were questioning the removal of previous Head Boy Vermaelen, T., I fully endorse the actions of Monsieur Wenger and I (or my Personal Secretary) will personally carriage Vermaelen, T., to The Barcelona Technical College of Covert South American Transfers should he wish to continue his education elsewhere. A*.
Koscielny, L., WE have all been relieved to see that the diagnosis of ‘heads gone’ after the school trip to Ukraine last year was indeed incorrect, and Koscielny, L., has shown that his head hasn’t ‘gone’ nor has he ‘lost it’. In fact, we are fully anticipating that The Royal University of Massaging Economics, in Madrid will enquire about offering him a scholarship. We shall tell them just where to stick their junta. A-.
Gibbs, K., Young Master Gibbs has pushed on somewhat this season and the school nurse; Mr Lewin, has been pleased to note that his trips to the sick room to avoid P.E. have been less frequent since the summer hols’. Bravo Gibbs, K., keep it up. A-.
Monreal, N., Another good goal defender who has helped keep Gibbs, K., out of the sick room. Parents will note that a small percentage of school match trip money will be used to insure the left foot of Monreal, N., just in case Gibbs, K., has a re-occurrence of the ‘yips’ during the remainder of this season. B+.
Jenkinson, C., We at the club don’t feel that Jenkinson, C., has had the best season when called upon. However, he is still youthful and could still be in with a chance of getting a prefect spot. Keep slogging away young man. B.
Vermaelen, T., A quiet year for former Head Boy Vermaelen, T., and whilst he has done well this year when required, one cannot help feel that his heart just hasn’t been in it. I shall ask Monsieur Wenger to check whether an exchange visit to Spain might be called for, especially if former Head Boy Fabregas, C., would like to re-join the school. B-.
Flamini, M., Ah, Flamini, M., A damnably fine egg and we’re very much glad that he swapped AC Bunga-Bunga last summer to return to Islington. And a fine job he is doing. I’m glad to see that the monsterings that he hands out to the scholars are also handed out pitch-side too. A.
Rosicky, T., In what may be his last term at Islington, Rosicky, T., appears to be playing with the gusto and vision of a pupil possessed. Certainly, overtures from The Munich School of Smugness appear to have cropped up and I dare say that our younger scholars should look up to the craft that Rosicky, T., puts into his game. Why, he is even as keen in class, just the other day I saw him covered in chalk dust. A-.
Arteta, M., Head Boy Arteta, M., is another enjoying an Indian Summer with his game. Top performances this season, despite a lot of competition. The Bursar; Mr Gazidis is going to fund a project with our science department in order to successfully clone young Arteta, M’s., head of hair. Such scientific endeavours could really help our school’s funding. A.
Ramsey, A., Full marks and the award of Prefect to former scholar Ramsey, A., whose effort and work-rate this season has been exemplary. Full praise for Monsieur Wenger’s perseverance and vision in coaxing these performances from our Welsh Dragon. Bravo too, the school nurses who have also aided. A*.
Wilshere, J., Whilst we all commend Wilshere, J., for his efforts and improvement in front of goal, he must remember to resist reminding opposition parents that yes, the school motto does indeed begin with a ‘V’. He is also to be applauded for keeping the swear-box in Mr Akers’ office down to a record low…at this rate, we’ll only be able to afford one Harrod’s food shop a week! A.
Oxlade-Chamberlain, A., Alas, our young scholar is only just returning after a mishap playing against The Midland Academy for the Confused, and thus his school report is brief. However, he has shown signs of promise. B-.
Cazorla, S., Ahh, our young Spaniard, who has found his feet in halls after a credible first term here at Islington. Could do better however, and maybe less mucking about with Rosicky, T., after lights out perhaps? B+.
Ozil, M., Our latest student, who you will recall arrived from The Royal University of Massaging Economics, Madrid, last summer, and who used up all of the school’s air miles getting Nurse Lewin out to Munich. A good, solid start, but he must remember, great things are expected here at Islington, so ensure that you do some extra laps around the cross-country course with Mr Primovic. A-.
Gnabry, S., A young scholar who has done well when called upon. Stay focused and try to ignore distractors; such as Herr Klopp; the school master at the North Rhine-Westphalia College for Gifted Boys. Bravo. B+.
Walcott, T. We have all been saddened by the numerous visits to the nurses’ room this year by Walcott, T., and his prolonged absence will be felt, I am sure, by all. Chin up lad, hopefully a New Year’s visit from former Head Boy Henry, T., will perk you up. I know that he is bringing over Hershey Bars and fizzy pop. B+.
Bendtner, N. *Note from Mr Bould* “Get that hair cut lad, you’re not in Italy now!” I think, that, well, speaks for itself. Get that done, Bendtner, N., and pull your socks up, you’re in Islington now, not Chinawhite (whatever that is). C.
Podolski, L., *Additional note from Mr Bould* “Three more laps of the field, schnell, schnell!” Good effort, must try harder. B.
Giroud, O., Our resident swordsman…in so far that he is our school’s best fencer too. Giroud, O., is one that does try, but perhaps needs to spend less time in the barber’s – send Bendtner, N., there please – and more time in the opposition’s six yard rectangle. B+.
Sanogo, Y., Sadly our young scholar has been holed up in the nurses’ office and thus, his report is brief and to the point: Where are you?! C-.
Park, C-Y., Could anyone who may have seen young Park, C-Y., please phone admissions on 01987 765236. Otherwise our truant officer; Mr Keown, will have to be summoned into service. D.
I trust any parents whom disagree with my report and the affixed grades will contact me promptly, via my Secretary.
Don’t forget, the National Cup match is on Friday against The Midland Shambles FC. Please bring Bovril and (branded) Wine Gums for the school mini-bus. Monsieur Wenger will put the team up on the dorm’ walls on Thursday.
Up The Islington Preparatory School for Boys!